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"When we acknowledge a child's feelings, we give him health and strength"
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlich


Judy Bar Eitan

Judy Bar Eitan, MSc (mother of six) with over two decades of successful parenting counseling, is available to help you and your family to relieve the stress and anxiety often experienced by parents and children.

Positive Parenting

Positive Parenting

The average parent does not wake up in the morning and say to him/herself "Today is the day I am going to yell at my kids.  I will put my child in time out 3 times.  I will take away TV time to punish my child."  No.  The average parent wakes up in the morning and says "I hope today is a better day.  I hope my child behaves better and if he doesn't, I hope I have the patience to deal with it, without losing my temper." 

When we yell, scream and punish our children it is called negative parenting.  When we are permissive without setting limits it is negative parenting. When we are understanding, empathetic, nurturing, and reasonable it is called positive parenting.  When we acknowledge our children's feelings simultaneously putting  a limit on poor behavior, it is positive parenting. 

My job is to help parents attain the skills needed to become a positive parent.  Most of the time.  We parents are human beings with our own pressure points, our own bad moods and bad days.  There will be times when we lose our patience, when we are angry and behave in ways we regret.  The goal is to have better tools to  be a positive parent the majority of the time we spend with our children.  We want to go to bed at night thinking "This was a good day.  I like the way I handled the kids."

Here is how negative parenting vs. positive parenting looks in a typical morning:

Child does not get out of bed   "IT'S TIME TO GET OUT OF BED NOW"  vs.  "You are still sleepy. Do you want 3 or 5 more minutes?"

Child does not get dressed    "Why are you always so stubborn?"  vs. "It's dressing time.  Children not dressed by 8 go to school in their pajamas." And mean it!

Child spills milk    "I'm almost late for work and you spilled the milk again"  vs. "The rag for cleaning up is in the sink."

Children are fighting over the last waffle.  "STOP IT ALREADY.   JUST GIVE YOUR LITTLE SISTER THE LAST WAFFLE"  vs. "This is a real problem.  One waffle and two children that want it. You guys need to work this out."

The last example probably sounds far fetched for those of you not used to talking this way but trust me,  when the problem is respected the kids do find a solution.  When children are not forced to give in they often volunteer to give in.  They may choose to share the waffle.  A cute story I heard from a client involves a 6 and 8 year old fighting over a book both boys wanted to bring to school.  She told them "2 boys 1 book.  I know you will find a way to work it out."  They decided Monday and Wednesday for one and Tuesday and Thursday for the other.  No one could bring the book on Friday because it wouldn't be fair. She couldn't believe it and she loved not being part of the solution.  This mom didn't just avoid a fight with her kids, she taught them an invaluable lesson.  The art of compromise.

These positive parenting skills are just the beginning of a new way to communicate to your children.  As you learn more and more skills it clicks into place and the entire atmosphere of the home becomes more positive and pleasant.

 





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Saturday, 15 December 2018

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